I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
