apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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