dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
