I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
