so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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