i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
