And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
