I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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