My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
