Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
