Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
