i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
