I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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