I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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