mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
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we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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