I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
