sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish you could order shots online.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
