I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
