How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
