Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
