Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
