i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
