the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
