alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
