I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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