As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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