Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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