we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She bit a glass in half.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
