I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
