she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
