Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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