his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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