I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
