Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
