I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
