Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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