Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
