it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
