why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
