I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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