Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
