just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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