Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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