chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
