I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You are the jesus of drinking
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
