Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
All the doctor said was why
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
