So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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