if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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