I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
