I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
