Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
