I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
