i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
