she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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